Overcoming Self-Sabotage: A Therapist's Guide to Getting Out of Your Way
Overcoming Self-Sabotage: A Therapist's Guide to Getting Out of Your Way
Have you ever found yourself procrastinating right before an important deadline, picking fights in healthy relationships, or giving up just when things start going well? If so, you may be experiencing self-sabotage.
As a therapist, I often see clients who feel stuck in cycles of self-defeating behavior. They know what they want, but somehow, they keep getting in their way. The good news is that self-sabotage is not a permanent trait. With curiosity, compassion, and the right tools, self-sabotage can be unlearned.
What Is Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotage is any behavior that holds you back from achieving your goals or living in alignment with your values. It can be conscious or unconscious and often shows up as:
Procrastination
Perfectionism
Negative self-talk
Avoidance
Overcommitting or underperforming
Staying in toxic environments
Pushing away supportive people
While these behaviors might seem irrational on the surface, they often serve a hidden purpose: protection from perceived danger, failure, fear, rejection, or even success.
Why Do We Self-Sabotage?
From a therapeutic lens, self-sabotage often stems from unresolved wounds, limiting core beliefs, and internalized messages from childhood or past experiences. For example:
Fear of failure or success: "If I don't try, I can't fail."
Low self-worth: "I don't deserve good things." " I don't deserve it."
Imposter syndrome: "They'll find out I'm not good enough."
Fear of abandonment: "If I get too close, they'll leave."
Familiarity with chaos: Unconsciously or consciously, "Calm feels unfamiliar; something must be wrong."
These patterns often form as survival strategies early in life and become automatic. The goal of therapy is to bring these patterns into awareness, explore their roots, and develop healthier, more aligned responses.
How to Overcome Self-Sabotage: A Therapist's Approach
1. Develop Awareness Without Judgment
The first step is noticing when and how self-sabotage shows up in your life. Keep a journal or log where you reflect on:
What was the self-sabotage behavior?
What triggered the behavior?
What were you thinking and feeling at the time?
What outcome were you subconsciously trying to avoid?
Therapist tip: Approach your answers and reflections to the above questions with compassion. Shame fuels sabotage. Awareness heals it.
2. Identify Your Core Beliefs
Behind every self-sabotaging act is a belief you hold about yourself or the world. Common examples:
"I'm not capable."
"If I try, I'll fail."
"Success will make me a target."
"People can't be trusted."
In therapy, we use cognitive-behavioral techniques (CBT) to challenge and reframe these beliefs into more balanced, empowering thoughts. Need extra help reframing your thoughts and identifying your core beliefs? My ebook offers tons of techniques to help with this. Check it out here!
3. Reconnect with Your Values and Goals
Self-sabotage thrives in disconnection. Clarify what matters to you—your why.
Ask yourself:
What kind of person do I want to be?
What would I do if I fully believed in myself?
What small action today can align me with that version of myself?
When we anchor ourselves in values like courage, growth, or authenticity, we begin to move with intention rather than fear.
4. Practice Internal Dialogue Work
Self-sabotage often comes from inner conflict. Part of you wants to grow, and another part wants to protect you. Instead of ignoring or shaming these parts, engage them.
Try this:
Name the part (e.g., "the inner critic" or "the scared child").
Ask what it's afraid of.
Reassure it with compassion, not force.
Therapist insight: Techniques from Internal Family Systems (IFS) or inner child work can help create safety and integration within the self.
5. Celebrate Progress, Not Perfection
Self-sabotage thrives in all-or-nothing thinking. Celebrate effort, progress, and even small acts of courage.
If you procrastinated for 3 days but took action on the fourth—that's a win.
Therapist reframe: "Progress over perfection" isn't just a cliché. It's an antidote to the shame spiral that fuels sabotage.
6. Create Accountability and Safe Support
Healing doesn't happen in isolation. Once you identify your goals, please share them with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. Let others support you in staying aligned with your higher self. Find an accountability system that works for you to make progress in your goals. Here are some ideas:
Logistical work:
Write down your goal.
Identify the steps and break them up into smaller steps.
Schedule your tasks in your calendar, treating them like an appointment you can not change. If you have to change it, make sure to reschedule it for the same week.
Mental work:
Make sure to use supportive self-talk and inner dialogue
Make it a rule not to talk to yourself negatively
remind yourself about: progress not perfection
take breaks
Stay consistent
Final Thoughts
Self-sabotage is not a sign of laziness, weakness, or failure; it's a sign that there's a part of you that needs healing, attention, and support. With the right tools and therapeutic insight, you can learn to trust yourself, act in alignment with your goals, and finally get out of your way.
You are not broken. You are learning. And that's powerful.